"For love is sufficient unto love."

From my absolute favorite book,
The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran.

Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Akiko Yano

今夜はジャパンソサエティーで矢野顕子さんのパフォーマンスを観に行ってきました。私は１３歳頃くらいの時から彼女の熱狂的なファンで、まだ中学生だった頃、当時の坂本家があった高円寺まで行って、娘の美雨さんの自転車のカゴにファンレターと鉢植えのお花を置いてきたこともあります。矢野さんから直筆で返事が届いた時はそれはそれは嬉しかったものです。いつもその葉書を持ち歩いて、どんな時も彼女の音楽と一緒でした。ニューヨークに引っ越してからも、彼女のライブは欠かさずに行きました。一番最初にJoe's Pubで矢野さんを観たときは、日本のコンサートに比べて、ものすごく近い距離で彼女の演奏を聴けることに感激したのを覚えています。そして、ライブ後、直接お話が出来たときの私の気持ちは言葉では表現できません。とはいえ、あまりにも思いが強すぎて、きちんと言葉が出なかったのですが。ある時のライブはちょうど私の誕生日で、一緒に写真も撮ってもらったのですが、あまりにも緊張しすぎて私の顔がものすごく曲がってしまってとても変に写っていて、せっかくの貴重な写真なのに、見るたび苦笑してしまいます。何回日本にいたときでは考えられないくらい近い距離にいても、直接お話ししても、こんな私も矢野さんの前では、がちがちになって、まったくファンクションできなくなってしまします。

矢野さんと彼女の音楽は私にとって、何年経っても、ものすごくたましいに一番近いところに存在しています。そして、彼女の音楽を生で聞く度に、今だに進化しつづけて新鮮である彼女に圧倒されると同時に、勇気づけられるのです。どの時代の彼女も本当にほがらかで、かわいらしくて、たくさんの情熱と愛があって、純粋にかっこいい。

今夜は今までとはちょっと違って、初めて矢野さんが日本語と英語の歌詞の訳やメロディーののせかたの違いなど、レクチャーを交えてのライブでした。そして、最後のほうでは私がとても大切に聴いてきたGreenfieldsという曲が聴けました。私自身はあまりじっくりと過去を振り返ったりしない性格なのですが、中学生の時からこの曲を聴いてきた時それぞれの自分の過ごしてきた日々ようなものが鮮明に心の中でいっぺんに再現されて、約２０年そこら経った今、ここでこうしてニューヨークで満ち足りた気持ちでこの曲を同じ空間で聴けている事に、感謝の気持ちでいっぱいになりました。他にも、How Can I be Sure、「ひとつだけ」など懐かしい曲も聴けて素晴らしかったです。「ラーメン食べたい」は、今までも面白い曲だと思って聴いてきたのですが、今夜は特に歌詞に同感しました。奥が深い曲ですよね。周りも泣いている人たちが何人かいて、観客を笑わせながら同時に泣かせる音楽を創る矢野さんの魅力にやっぱり圧倒しつづけられます。これからも彼女の活躍が楽しみです。


Greenfields

昔はそこらに 穴があって 私もよく 落ちたものよ
おいしいもんと　まずいもん食べて　背は伸びる　眼は開く
and then　心は冷える
たんすの中　もういっぱいなのに　欲しい　もっと欲しい　
でも本当は　さびしい
ほほえみの中　不きげんの中　うそつきの中　笑いとばそう

あなたの名前　よばれるまで　たくさんのこと　
いっぱいのこと 集めて
悲しみの中から　光る石みつけたら　みがいてそっと　飲みこむ
見知らぬ人と　話しはじめる　聞いたことのない　新しい話
私の耳は　光かがやき　ひそやかな涙を　ききわける

Weary days have gone
Won't be back again

よく晴れた冬の朝　おじいちゃんがいて　セーターの色に
とびこむと「よくきたね」
ぶどう畑の向こう　今では私の新しい家　今度こそ私から
「よくきたね」
私の腕は　黄金となり　私達の愛を　押し広げる

Weary days have gone
Won't be back again

Talk about and talk about
Talk about the greenfields
Hear me now and hear me now
Hear me have the greenfields

I need your help

As most of you know by now, my home country was hit by a catastrophic natural disaster on March 11th. At this point after 11 days, the death toll from the earthquake and tsunami was raised to 8,649, with 13,262 more still missing.

I have a friend here in NYC, who is originally from the Sendai coastal area, which was closest to the quake epicenter. Miyagi prefecture, which Sendai is a part of, was worst hit, with a confirmed death toll of 4,882 and sadly, they are expecting many more. Tsunami demolished her hometown of Natori under water. Last weekend, it took a couple of days to confirm that her family members are alive. Words simply fail me to describe how we feel with such complex layers of emotions.

Over 360,000 people have been displaced from their homes and have taken shelter in evacuation facilities. If you can, put yourself there for a second. Living with many other strangers in an open space with bare minimal necessities or not even with no privacy and with limited access to shower or bath. Knowing your family has passed and there is no home to go home to. Or not knowing where your family members are and when you can get out of the shelter.

My friend, Miki Takahashi, I mentioned above has set up a site where your money will go directly toward helping Miyagi prefecture through NY Miyagi Kenjinkai (group of New Yorkers from Miyagi prefecture), her hometown of Natori city, Takahashi Family and shelters with children who lost their family. I'm sure you have made your donations to various organizations already, but I ask you to extend your support if you can. Any amount is deeply heartfelt.

www.help311jp.bbnow.org

Thank you so much for all of your continuous support and prayers.

Japan Earthquake

I've been meaning to update my blog, but to be honest, I have so much on my mind right now and don't know where to start. I'm not ready to untangle and articulate my thoughts and put them in writing. I'm feeling devastated and heartbroken beyond words with what's going on in my home country. There's also that guilt of being away from it all, I'd much rather be there to have shared this tragedy with my family and friends. But when I made a choice to live in the US on my own almost two decades ago, I knew this would be a part of the consequences. Although this particular event has been something I've feared ever since I was a little girl, as I'm sure with many other Japanese people, a part of me thought it would never come true in my lifetime. It's very easy to let the negative thoughts and ideas take over my mind and indulge in them. Then there's that indifference that I witness which I try not to take personally. I look back at some of the events that happened in other parts of the world, and think I too must have acted indifferently to them. The whole events have put things in perspective for me, I don't feel that I'm quite the same person.

I'm denying myself from all things negative, including fear, worries and anger, and focusing on God's grace and love. Although I do feel helpless, I also sincerely believe in the power of prayers. So please join me in praying for people in Japan, it does make a difference. Also if you see anyone from Japan, ask them if their family is OK or let them know that you're praying for them. Even small gestures like that make a tremendous difference. I for one can tell you that, from all the warm and kind messages and prayers that I have received in the past couple of days.


Here's how you can help along with praying and sending love.

American Red Cross  - Japan Earthquake and Pacific Tsunami
https://american.redcross.org/site/Donation2?idb=0&df_id=5054&5054.donation=form1&s_affiliatecode=13302&set.custom.Chapter_Affiliate_Code=13302

Japan Society – Japan Earthquake Relief Fund
https://www.japansociety.org/japan_earthquake_relief_fund

Six Ways You Can Help Earthquake and Tsunami Victims in Japan
http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/03/11/five-ways-you-can-help-earthquake-and-tsunami-victims-in-japan/

Mount Fuji

Ema at a temple in Kyoto. People put the wishes and hang them.

Geisha siting in Kyoto.

Anime wall at Takadanobaba.

Shinjuku, near my hometown.

Kyoto temple

Drama or Not

It had been a while since I had been to the opera, I think the last one I saw was Madama Butterfly directed by Anthony Minghella. Although I've always detested the story, I had to see it for the production value. The stage design was absolutely memorable, but I was too distracted by the costume design over all, which I felt was, well, distracting in many ways, for someone who loves subtlety of old school Japanese art and culture.

So that was a while ago and I hadn't been to the Opera since. I've always been huge on classical music, but never really a big opera fan. I stay away from all the drama in my life, so why would I voluntarily sit through long hours of over-the-top drama? At the same time, I keep my heart open to all things interesting, I'm up for it no matter what it is.

Even so, I never imagined that I would be at the Met twice in one week. Last Monday, one of my opera obsessed friends invited me to check out Iphigénie en Tauride with Susan Graham and Plácido Domingo. My friend's passion for opera takes her there at least half of the week every week. I don't know how she does it. I guess passion makes you do crazy stuff. Unfortunately, Graham canceled and was replaced by Elizabeth Bishop. Apparently this was a second time she canceled and this was also my friend's second time seeing Iphigénie en Tauride during the season. I felt bad. Regardless, the performance was wonderful. I particularly loved Paul Groves who played Pylade, Oreste's friend. It was also helpful to have a very knowledgeable friend next to me to explain things or two or three. I probably tend to focus more on the visual stuff, and along with the music, it was stunningly simple and intense. There was a beautiful use of rich red lit by flames along with different shades of warm colors of the costumes in the main room, contrasted by the use of cool blue in the prison. Once in a while, the colors cross and mix with costume worn by the characters. A green scarf, which was their mother's momento held dearly by Iphigénie in the red room. The bleeding scene or a red scarf worn by Orestes in the blue prison. The main character Iphigénie remained in the solemn black dress as a high priestess. Again, it was subtle, simple and stunning, exactly how I like it. The stage did not change once, but it kept me mesmerized for the whole play.

Then later in the week, another friend invited me to see La Boheme. Zeffirelli's production was so lavish it was a good contrast from Iphigénie en Tauride. We were so lucky to have sat in the orchestra section, it was such a blessing to be able to see it up close. Now as a fellow Asian, I was pleased to see an Asian performer Shenyang who played Colline. Yeah, I just had to say that. The whole play consisted of four acts, and each one had an amazing stage production. Heck, Act II even had a horse for like a minute when Musetta entered the stage! I wondered where they keep the poor horse in the backstage.

I went to an art high school in Massachusetts where kids around the country moved into dorms to attend. The curriculum was structured to focus on art, whether it's music, visual art, creative writing or dance along with academic courses. I was a free-spirited visual art major, but observed what my friends in music and performing arts went through. These stories themselves are a whole another entry, but it was no joke. So while sitting in the fancy orchestra section seat, I imagined what it must have taken each one of them to be a part of the Metropolitan Opera production, and I was touched to be in the presence of living their dreams. And I was also living my dream of living in NYC, enjoying what the city has to offer at its best. Drama or not.


The Metropolitan Opera
http://www.metoperafamily.org/metopera/

Angels come in different forms

Today (well technically yesterday) was third year anniversary of my dear cat Roxy's passing onto St. Francis' side. Gosh, talk about events that make me extremely emotional.

Back in the day when I was in college, I moved to a small town in Pennsylvania temporarily. My boyfriend at the time moved there to live in his mom's house during the summer break and I followed. I have to say that it was one of the unhappiest times of my life. I don't know how it is there now and I can only speak from my own experience, but I faced much ignorance, racism and loneliness and felt trapped even though it was only for a couple of months. I cried at the drop of a pin all the time. As dramatic as it sounds, I didn't know how to help myself to be happy again.

Seeing me this way must have hurt my boyfriend at the time tremendously. So he suggested getting kittens. As random as it was, it sounded good to me, even though I was never big on cats and had always considered myself a dog person. So off we went to check out a pet shop in the nearby mall. I would only adopt from animal shelters now, but we didn't know any better back then. And there they were. A cage filled with adorable kittens.

I've always wanted a sassy tiger-looking cat. He always liked anything unique. And we found exactly that. I named my tiger kitten Ninochika after hearing that it meant "dark night," and he named his silly looking kitten with long legs Roxy after a lesbian stalker character in Basic Instinct, because she too had long white boots on. My life in PA got better instantly. Ironically, Ninochika whom I picked became my boyfriend's favorite and Roxy became mine. I couldn't stop admiring them, they just warmed my heart with their adorable, loving and funny ways.

Fast forward 13 years, here I was, a 31 year old grown up. So many things have happened, good and bad, but I always had them by my side. I had parted ways with my boyfriend, but Roxy and Ninochika stayed right by my side. And at the end of each day, thanks to them, I felt stronger, kinder and more patient. Their warmth had continued to help me get through rough times, and the happier times were even happier because of them. We were family.

It was by far the roughest week of my life. And I've been robbed at a gun point, but that didn't even come close to what I went through during this particular week. One day, Roxy tripped. She was always on the clumsy side, but my gut feeling told me something was not normal. So I took her to the Vet ER immediately. Even then, I never for one second thought that she would never come home. After all, she had been just fine.

That Saturday in February 2008, she was diagnosed with Leukemia and was admitted into ICU. She stopped eating and got increasingly weaker as time went by. She lost her funny lively self and it was as if her soul left her body.

In the beginning of this emotional roller coaster week, I was extremely determined to keep her alive, no matter how much it costed to "save" her. I was even willing to change job to afford her treatment. I absolutely refused to euthanize her. How could I possibly kill my own family member? I had to face so many intense questions about life and death, and I had no choice but to keep asking myself because time was running out. I couldn't sleep or eat, I also felt as if I was losing myself. 

In my near insanity stage, I came to a realization that felt somewhat sane. That animals don't fear death. It's me who's scared to death to lose her. It would be selfish of me to extend her life as she is now. Animals don't live off of tubes. It's not natural and what's not natural is probably not intended by God. I need to let her go.

It felt as if I needed to jump off of a cliff but was too horrified to. As I was looking at Roxy, not even able to stand up on her own, I told myself that the last gift that I could give to her was peace. And to be there right by her side as she departed.

I don't know how long I spent in that room alone with her at the Animal Hospital. I just couldn't let her go but I knew I had to, but I just couldn't. I was near hyperventilation. I prayed, prayed and prayed and prayed some more until I finally calmed down a little bit. Then I called the vet into the room.

When the last shot was injected, Roxy left us peacefully to be with Saint Francis. Thank you, Roxy, for everything. I am ever so grateful that you were in my life. I will never ever forget about you and our time together. Please watch over me from heaven. I already miss you so much, but I will come to your side soon enough. I love you so dearly. Words just failed to describe how I felt.

Even after she passed, I couldn't leave her side. I lingered while kissing her forehead repeatedly. I never thought that I was this weak. What do I do without you? I wish we could spend more time together.

I missed Roxy so much I cried and cried and cried till I thought I was going to bleed from my eyes. The memories of her attacked me in waves that I couldn't function well. I was even surprised by how devastating it was and what a huge impact her death had on me, it was much greater than I ever imagined.

So that was three years ago. I'm often amazed by how quickly time passes by. I can remember it like it was yesterday, but at the same time it feels like it happened a long time ago. So many more things have happened since then. I even adopted a funny crazy cat that I named Zoe, which apparently means Life in Greek. Ninochika is still going strong by my side and still putting up with me. Now I look back, I am grateful that I had something I held so dear to my heart. I saw God in people when I was going through all of this as well. My family, friends, all the staff at the Animal Hospital, my bosses and coworkers at the time all showed such amazing level of compassion and support. Each one of them was gracious enough to share their personal stories of their loss and none of them looked down on me for reacting the way I did over an animal. In many respect, I feel that I am at a much better place in my life, and a big part of it is because of love.

Rest in peace, Roxy. Say hello to St. Francis for me, I hope he lets you lick Häagen-Dazs Strawberry ice cream once in a while. I love you.

My passion revisited

My last posting was in May last year and although I've been meaning to update my blog since then, I never quite got around to it. It was even one of my new year resolutions, but yet, I still managed not to update it. Well, things happen for reasons at the right time, don't they? Our CCO has requested us all in the creative department to start a blog. I wondered if my blog is little bit too personal and "religious" to be shared at work, but since it had to be about our passion, I decided to stick with what I've got and be myself.

Back in the day when I started at my former agency over a decade ago as a junior art director, I had no time of my own because I was working every minute of my waking (and sleeping) hour under pressure. I also had nothing but debt, since they knew I couldn't quit to get a better job elsewhere because of my green card process, so they kept me at a very low wage. I felt that my choices were either going back home to Japan where I knew I wouldn't be happy living, leaving everything I had worked for in NYC, or stick it out no matter how miserable I was. So I stuck it out, because at the end of the day, I loved living in this country dearly and I needed a green card to maintain doing so. Words cannot describe how rough it was, but I got through it somehow without being sent to a mental institution. After 8 long years with lots of valuable learning, I finally got my green card. I was finally free. I was free to do whatever I wanted to do. H-1 Visa limits you to work only in the field of your degree (and mine was advertising), but a green card allows you to pretty much live as any other American citizens except you can't vote and a few other things. As tortuous as it was, obtaining a green card was a huge goal of mine and I focused on it so much that I didn't allow myself to explore what made me happy as a whole person. It was all about "when I get my green card.." and was barely about the present moment that I was in. So I had to revisit who I was with new found freedom.

Since then, I've been working at my current agency for the past couple of years where it's OK to have a life, which took me a while to get used to. All of my activities used to involve making myself marketable when I finally get to quit. Although I still continue with my career-improvement education, I'm grateful to also have discovered things that I feel extremely passionate about outside of my work. I'm even certain that some of them will be my lifetime commitment. So perhaps this is a good time to review my passion, old and new, as who I am today.

1. God (My reason for being here on this planet earth to even have passions after all.)
2. Archangel Michael (My guide and protector)
3. People
4. Visual stories (Telling them and experiencing them)
5. Exploring houses of worship around the world (It's exiting for me to learn about architecture, symbolism and catechism.)
6. Food, particularly introducing inner-city kids to healthier yummy food (I lead a project called Culinary Explorers with New York Cares every Friday after work. I sincerely enjoy teaching teenagers cooking and sharing a dinner table with them.)
7. Classical music, especially Bach by Glenn Gould (His music got me through some of the toughest times and has always helped me focus on what's important in my life. Bach was a part of the reasons why I converted to Christianity.)
8. Tennis (It's almost an obsession at this point.)
9. Capturing New York moments with my Leica (Especially Harlem, where I've been living for the past decade and have been in love with.)
10. Animals 

All of these passions keep me extremely busy, but incredibly fulfilled and allow me to truly live in the moment. I have so many pictures sitting in my hard drive, waiting to be shared. I'm ever so grateful for the life I get to live now and don't take it for granted in my journey.